A Simple Exercise to Stop Constant Fighting
Relationships have their ups and downs. But have you ever just gotten into a space of constant bickering? Every once in a while, things come to a head, and everything just starts getting on your nerves. With all the things that life brings, your job, school, and everything else sometimes it can be hard to even pinpoint what the hell is even the problem. You may be at odds with your significant other or feel like you’re drifting apart, and confused on the actual reason why. I had this problem recently.
In my relationship, I’m typically the one with the problem.
I do believe most men would agree that women as a collective are typically the ones with the “problems”. However maybe this is because men have a harder time expressing their truth. This exercise should help my guy readers too to organize and pinpoint problems and solutions.
Regardless of that, after a week of us bickering, (I guess in hindsight I was doing most of the bickering lol) However that is due to the nature of my boyfriend. I do know some who will indeed fight back. In his case, I did notice a lack of concern about my unhappiness that was unlike him. I decided to ask him what the problem was.
Of course that question was deflected right back to me.
But that’s okay because I’ve been waiting all week to tell his ass what the problem is!!!!! I’ve been waiting!!!!
However when, he asked me what my issue was, I found myself stuttering and not making much sense. How could I expect to confront a problem if I myself didn’t know what the hell it was. Men are simple by nature, and I mean no disrespect when I say that. If there is a problem they tend to be more solution-oriented whereas women will want to talk about the ins and outs of their feelings. I realized that if I keep complaining about things to him day in and day out even if they are related, all he gets from that is that I’m nagging him about random things and that he’s always doing something wrong.
With that being said he isn’t going to try and make any change. What good would it do anyway? He’s always doing something wrong. Get it? In fact he will retreat/withdraw from the relationship. With this exercise we will work on specific directions.
If you were asking for directions to a place you’ve never been before, wouldn’t you rather someone tell you exactly where to go rather than all the places you could go? All the rest is noise right? Right.
As understanding as I think my boyfriend is, he’s not understanding me if I’m just throwing directions at him left and right. He’s getting frustrated, as anyone would.
So then I had to ask myself what the best thing to do was. And I realized I had to find the problem(s) state them clearly and be even more clear about what I wanted. I decided I would pick 3 problems, give him an example of what I wanted or did not want, and explain to him how I wanted to feel associated with that problem, and what I wanted him to do.
*3 problems, and no more than 3, the rest would just be noise. NO more bickering about the other stuff because you are stating what is most important to you for now.
It took some thought! But I realized that they all kind of ran together! And when I thought about the problems I was having with him they all related back to one of my 3 problems. I asked him if this exercise would help, and he agreed. I also told him to make 3 problems of his own about me! ( yes bihhhh you’re not perfect lol) This is a partnership. He only had one, so typical lol, but I realized if I tried to work on that one problem for him our relationship would grow because it would relay to him that I care about him enough to make an effort. Which is what we both want to see from one another!
*Make sure you are polite when you express your problem or the disrespect will outshine the problem
*Make sure he/she is in a place to receive the information, best way to do that is to ask, maybe they had a bad day or something.
*You can give your partner a few days to think of their problems
His complaint with me: My fuse! Hahaaha how ironic the self-proclaimed relationship guru (not really) has a short temper, and communication problems. I never thought of myself as having a temper because anger isn’t what I thought it presented as I thought I was just frustrated, but it looks no different to him. So I’ll start counting to 10 lolololol
An example: Surprise dates, flowers, little gifts, impromptu sweet texts, etc.
I want to feel like you’re thinking of me and ways to make me happy, and taking the initiative to do so, not just when I ask it of you. I want to feel like I’m a priority to you.
And two more just like that! Take the time to really ponder what is really important to you!
Keep it Simple!